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Ode to Ford

updated 8/28/02, updated 6/2/03


There once was car company from Dearborn
that designed a camshaft that was stillborn.
The engine was interference,
but the shrink fit still had clearance,
what happened to owners was near porn. 

Pork on the hoof has 2 hams,
but SHOs on the mend have 4 cams.
If your car needs a healer,
don't visit your Furd dealer
when flat is your engine's electrocardiogram.  

One time Ford did make a cam,
and on their shaft a sprocket did cram.
They did it half-ass
and said, "Hey that'll pass!"
'Cause they really just don't give a damn.                - unsigned

There once was a fella named Hammy
Who thought he could help with our Cammies
He tested. He Prod
But Ham wasn't God
When we protest at Fud bring your jammies.              - John Stout & Terri H

Ford said Quality is job "One"
Car payments they collect like a Hun
their VP's are shylocks
the zone reps are bullocks
a company in red ink not so well run.  

In Dearborn they design cars for us,
one of the better was the Taurus
but tool parts wore out
and our motors had a bad bout
and now they lack the ethics to cure us. 

For motor oil I use holy water
for a new transmission each year I must barter
The torque converter is made of paper
but still I canít hate her
to the Bloomington police I say "see you later."   

Once upon a time a guy named Doug did weld
in high esteem he was held
but Atlanta is too far
to drive in my car
when I really need a Vulcan mind meld.     

Vadimís shop is in Huntington Beach
for East Coast owners quite a reach
I wish he was near
and buying the beer
to thirsty owners like Paul he may  teach. 

My cams he wanted to pin
Don't matter what shape they are in
Ford likes what they ate
but won't pay the freight
say they:  "checks in the mail" but "late."

Some say "ignorance is bliss"
but not when your cam starts to hiss
Furd "heroes" are liars
they should heed the friars:
Lie too much you end up in the Abyss.

My timing chain is forty feet long
whoever designed it was using a bong,
Ford blames Yamaha
but it isn't their brouhaha
and we know that noise is no bird song.

They say Elvis is dead,
to his daughter Michael is no longer wed.
If the King drove a SHO,
Nobody would know, with the car in the shop
he would spend all his time at club med.

My engine sounds like Gene Kelly,
under the moon roof sits my beer belly
My car is one big oval,
I don't need shotimes approval
if you don't fix the leaky trunk-seal your boot will be smelly.

The cops in Lincoln are dishonest,
open your eyes or they will be on us,
they have low property taxes,
but on drivers they use dull axes
the magistrate lives on accrued interest.

I wish my car had a clutch,
a six speed would be nice in so much,
my redline is 7 grand
but my car is not in demand
with a blower my car would be nonesuch          

Dead cams are the issue of the day,
So the Dead Cam Society say.
Ford sits on its ass,
Passing natural gas,
In the hopes we will just go away.    -  Holly

Why canít Ford make a good transmission?
To us they never listen,
what good is "no boundary"
when the tow truck canít found Ye
And Don thinks youíre the victim of abduction?

About once a year we gather,
To some it is a test of their bladder.
On to the track,
no confidence we lack,
if we hit hay bales what does it matter?

My car has 20" rims
Maintenance consists of minding my hymns
But yet Iím no ricer
because nothing is nicer
than acceleration that stretches your limbs.

A brigade of only 20,000 were made
pride of the fleet folks sade
A joy to drive
if the police don't catch your hide
which will effect your balance of trade.

We are the bastard step chill-en
Henry's kin don't care how were feelin'
our trannys and cams
a big corporate scam
because with a bunch of assholes were dealin'   - John Stout

They call it Taurus the bull,
above 100 our cars rule.
At dealerships we find only steers
with problems they lend us no ears
whoíd thought "Job One" was "Be Cruel."

You V8 SHO owners are hicks
and the execs at ford are such pricks
third gen SHO'S are made
so that the cams all grenade
y'all should've bought the V-6   - Steve Tatro

Someone said Tim's going postal,
I think it's something less hostile,
A good way to vent,
That the cams came and went,
and our beloved SHO is toast-al.  - Holly

Some say the V6 was impaired,
Whoíd thought Fud cared?
their rotors were limb
their shorts in a crimp
So an executive express sedan was city bred.

My Taurus drinks lots of gas,
On the strip it kicks ricer ass,
The cams I did pin
And the wheels it will spin
But being a sedan the cops don't harass. -  David Ware

Tim is the V8 SHO Webmaster.
He warns us of future disaster.
Cams here, and cams there.
Broken cams everywhere!
Aw, screw it let's all go get plastered!!  -   Steve Tatro

My S.H.O is quite sweet,
It can be heard from way down the street
The bass is loud,
And the flows sound proud
And from a roll, it is quite hard to beat. -   David Ware

The brakes in Gen one will fade,
The county they are from is Dade,
the stick they are proud of
romance they are in need of
In an E type they could not get laid.

White is the color of my SHO
And when Civics try to race, she says NO
Her V8 purrs like a kitten
but if the cams blow I will be smitten
and when Civics try to race, she will not go. - Seth Alan Kuiper

The windows are tinted to cool the inside
and protect from the sun, her gray rawhide
Lord, I pray the cams hold true
for if they don't I'll surely be blue
Or maybe I'll be red, and wish all Ford execs dead - Seth Alan Kuiper

Maybe I should give the cams a sew,
or else Porter will say "Told you so" - - Seth Alan Kuiper

There's a joint in Dearborn called FURD
A cam problem exists of which they've not heard
They tried to relocate to the Isle of Nantucket
The settlers there told them to suck it
Explaining that Bill Jr. is not a man of his word. - Davie Postma

I really do love my SHO
When I punch it she surely will go!
She really is fast
It's no problem to pass
When the cams will fail I don't know - Brian Moore

I own the world's best sleeper
My plan, from the start, is to keep her
But I think of the cam
Now I'm in a jam
'Cause a BMW may end up being cheaper! - Brian Moore

I had better get back to work
Or my boss will believe I'm a jerk
I've spoken my mind
And now I feel fine
I just hope my cams don't go berserk. - Brian Moore

Kirk's SHO is a beaut, perfect 10.
A nicer white SHO, never been.
But today he feels sad,
and at Ford he's quite mad,
'cause his tranny is broken again!  -   Steve Tatro

We might visit Dearborn and meet the mayor,
A sit in, nothing would be gayer.
But Fud will never greet us
they will not house or feed us
What we need is Buffy the vampire slayer.

I'll volunteer for the job, I'll step in as Buff,
For those who don't know me, I can be pretty tough!
FOMOCO vampires beware,
You'll see how much I care,
125 lbs. of whoop ass should be about enough :)  -  Holly - "I'm so full of it" Bailey

What we need is a cam exorcist,
a regular inquisitor on the list.
5w30 holy oil he might need,
"Thou shall fix cams", may we heed,
before thy engine disappears in an oil mist.

My SHO drips oil from the filter
Ford didn't plan this when they built'er
My daughter is two
And some got on her shoe,
And when she slipped it damn near kilt'er. -    David Ware

There once was a man from Missouri,
Who always drove his SHO in a hurry,
His cams didn't puke,
He got the ultimate rebuke,
Ending up in a bean-field slurry. - David - former '98 TR

The vee eight SHO, supposed to be faster
Has been one F-ing On Road Disaster
A-T-X repair's "hail"
All four camshafts did fail
At Ford's gate, just set fire to the bastar. - Amy Pattersom '98 black Charleston, WV

Thanks for the SHO
that looks like a SLO
and thus
escapes the attention of Five-Oh. - James Lyles


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